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Previous lesson on 1 Samuel by Keeley

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Overview

• 1. Introduction: How do we build biblical friendships?
• 2. 1 Samuel 18: The Founding of Jonathan and David’s Friendship,
• 3. 1 Samuel 20: The Grounding of Their Friendship
  • 3.1 1 Samuel 20:1-23: Jonathan and David Devising a plan to test Saul’s intentions
  • 3.2 1 Samuel 20:24-34: Setting the Plan into Action
  • 3.3 1 Samuel 20:35-42: What Saul Does
• 4. Christological Focus- The Role of Friendship in Light of Christ’s Coming
  • 4.1 The 5 Aspects of Biblical Friendship Summarized
• 5. Application: The Role of Intentional Friendships in Your Life
• 6. Conclusion: We need biblical friendships.
• Discussion Questions

1.  Introduction: How do we build biblical friendships?

Americans Struggle with Close Friendships

I found a study from 2006 in the journal: American Sociological Review, which says that Americans have been suffering a loss in the quality and quantity of close friendships since at least 1985.  The study found that 25% of Americans have no close confidants, and the average total number of confidants has dropped for each person from 4 to 2.

If this is really true, we’re in pretty bad shape when it comes to having someone during the hard times of our life or having someone to share the joys of life with.  Who can we turn to and who will we be able to trust?  We absolutely need to be more thoughtful and intentional about building friendships and seeking close confidants. 

The Bible, too, points to this need.  God desires for us to have friendships.  We’re going to look at how: You need friendships in your life with a biblical foundation: ones that are grounded in God’s faithfulness and love.

Our study will be based in the friendship of Jonathan and David, found in 1 Sam 18 through 20, focusing mainly on chapter 20.

Moving Toward Close, Biblical Friendships

We’ll discover 5 aspects of biblical friendship along the way; so listen for them. These are important bible verses about friendship.

What are some characteristics of your friendships?  What does it mean to be a friend to someone?

Wikipedia says that a friend demonstrates the following qualities on a consistent basis: 1. desire what is best for the other; 2. sympathy and empathy; 3. honesty or speaking truth, even about perceived faults; 4. mutual understanding and compassion; 5. trust in one another, express feelings w/o fear of being judged; 6. having equal “give and take.”

These qualities sound like good things we would want to have in our friendships, right?

• The first aspect of biblical friendship is that it does include some characteristics that even non-Christian friendships will have.

(Skip to 4.1 The 5 Aspects of Biblical Friendship Summarized)

But you can’t just be good friends with a non-Christian and have a biblical friendship.

2.  1 Samuel 18- The Founding of Jonathan and David’s Friendship

In order to understand our need for friendships with a biblical foundation, we need to examine what it means to have a biblical foundation; what more should these friendships have that is different from non-Christian friendships?  In the story of Jonathan and David, we find one of the best portraits of biblical friendship.

We’ve already encountered David, last week, but we still need to know who Jonathan is.

Who is Jonathan in the Bible?

Who is Jonathan?  Jonathan is King Saul’s son.  He is, presumably, heir to Saul’s throne, the next in line.  Beginning in chapter 13, we also learn that Jonathan is a mighty warrior.  He’s a leader of the troops of Saul’s army.  He’s a risk-taker, often sneaking off to provoke and fight Israel’s enemies.  And he is successful.  Jonathan first meets David in chapter 18, right after the young boy David killed Goliath, the giant, with only his slingshot in chapter 17.

Let’s read about what happens the first time Jonathan and David meet.  Turn to 1 Sam 18:1-5.

Jonathan and David Meet Each Other

In verse 1, we learn that “there was an immediate bond between them” (NLT), “Jonathan became one in spirit with David,” (NIV).  Other translations say “the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David” (ESV).  The knitting together of souls is a consistent image in the Bible to describe friendships.  Deut (13:6) speaks of “the friend who is as your own soul.” It’s a companion of one’s inner thoughts and feelings, and is often used to describe the bond between men, also used with Jacob and his son Benjamin.  Basically, the Bible is saying here is that Jonathan and David have become close friends, bonded at the core of their being.  Their spirits are one.

• The second aspect of biblical friendship we see, then, is being one in spirit (having a common spirit; in our case, the Holy Spirit).  This means friendship with another Christian.

(Skip to 4.1 The 5 Aspects of Biblical Friendship Summarized)

In verse 3, we learn that Jonathan made a covenant with David.  A covenant is a binding relationship between two people that has conditions attached to it.  We don’t learn the conditions of it here (but we will later…).  We do learn that it is based on Jonathan’s love for David.  He loves him as he loves himself.

• The third aspect of biblical friendship we see, then, is loving the other person as you would yourself.

(Skip to 4.1 The 5 Aspects of Biblical Friendship Summarized)

Even in the NT, we see Jesus summarizing the OT commandments as “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind,’” and adding that the 2^nd greatest commandment is to: “‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matt 22:39; Mk 12:31; Luke 10:27)  This is exactly what Jonathan was doing when he formed the covenant of friendship with David, saying he loved him as he loved himself.

Later in chapter 18, Jonathan and David are further bonded when David marries Jonathan’s sister Michal, and they become brothers-in-law.

3.  1 Samuel 20- The Grounding of Their Friendship

Next, let’s turn to chapter 20.  In this 1 Samuel 20 commentary, we’re going to spend a bit of time in this chapter, so I want to give a brief outline of this chapter for you; it divides into 3 main parts:

1. 3.1 1 Samuel 20:1-23: Jonathan and David devising a plan to test Saul’s intentions (we’ll spend the bulk of our time here.)
2. 3.2 1 Samuel 20:24-34: Setting the Plan into Action
3. 3.3 1 Samuel 20:35-42: What Saul Does

3.1. 1 Samuel 20:1-23: Jonathan and David devising a plan to test Saul’s intentions

King Saul is Angry with David

READ 1 Sam 20:1-3.

In these verses, we learn that Saul is angry with David to the point that David is only a step away from death.  But, Jonathan isn’t willing to believe that his father wished David harm.

But why would Saul be angry with David?  David has killed the giant Goliath and has been successful in battle, gaining rank; he’s bonded with his son, and married his daughter.  Well, part of what we learn through the book of 1 Samuel is that once Saul disobeyed God (remember two weeks ago) and when David was anointed as future king (last week), that God’s spirit then rested on David.  Saul began to be plagued by an evil spirit.  He would become violent and angry. 

Another reason for his anger is that in chapter 18, Saul is praised for killing his thousands, but David for killing his tens of thousands.  Also, Saul’s children loved David and favored him.  But ultimately David was really a contender for the throne.  He was a rival to Saul and his family line, and Saul wanted him gone.

In chapter 19, Saul had been trying to kill David several times, even trying to get Jonathan to kill him. That’s why in verse 1, David comes to his friend Jonathan to ask him what he has done to cause Saul to want to kill him.  What’s his crime?

Jonathan and David Devise a Plan

READ 1 Sam 20:4-9.

Here we see the formation of the plan their going to use to read Saul’s intentions towards David.  The New Moon festival is tomorrow night, and Saul’s dinner will be the setting for reading Saul’s intentions.  The festival of the New Moon was basically a minor holiday celebrated each month, described in Numbers 28:11-15.  When the first signs of the crescent of the new moon would appear, there would need to be sacrifices and offerings made to God.

David asks to go home to attend to a yearly family offering.  We know he’s really planning on hiding in a field though (verse 5), to await news from Jonathan of Saul’s intentions.  A note: God is not telling the men to lie and the Bible is not telling us it’s okay to lie to justify the end, but it’s simply reporting what Jonathan and David decided to do.

In verse 8, David reminds Jonathan of his earlier covenant to him (18:3), asking Jonathan to show him kindness.  The Hebrew word for kindness here is hesed.  Your translation might read “deal kindly,” “show loyalty,” “show steadfast love.”  The English is trying to convey a concept of ultimate kindness, loyalty, steadfastness and unfailing love.  We now learn that showing hesed to each other was a condition of the covenant they made earlier, because David is saying “show me this hesed as a part of our covenant.”

Jonathan and David Rely on Their Covenant

READ 1 Sam 20:10-17.

These verses begin with telling us David’s fear that Jonathan won’t be able to come tell him Saul’s intentions, especially if Saul wants to kill him.  Jonathan’s going to David could compromise his hiding position.

In verses 14-17, Jonathan and David both invoke the covenant to carry them through this situation.  By invoking the covenant, I mean they basically say: ok, look, now we really have to put the strength of this friendship to the test.  You’ve made me promises, now we’ll see if you really meant them.  Jonathan tells David to show him unfailing kindness (the word hesed again). 

This time, he speaks of unfailing kindness like that of the LORD, YHWH.  It is now the actual faithfulness and unfailing kindness of YHWH that is the foundation of their covenant.  This provides the fourth aspect of biblical friendship: it is grounded in God’s own faithfulness. 

God’s kindness is what enables them to keep their promises and commitment to each other.  It’s not their own strength that the friendship relies on, but it’s God’s faithfulness and kindness that he’s shown to each of them, and then as an outflow of that kindness they are able to show the same kindness to each other.

• The fourth aspect of biblical friendship: it is grounded in God’s own faithfulness.

(Skip to 4.1 The 5 Aspects of Biblical Friendship Summarized)

In verse 15, Jonathan adds to the covenant by making David now promise to show the same loyalty and kindness not just to him, but to his children as well.  Jonathan is begging for the survival of his family line.  His recognition that David will be the next king continues to grow.  Typically a rival royal would kill off all the potential heirs to the throne from the old power.  Jonathan knows this, so he asks David to show him the Lord’s unfailing kindness and not to do this to him and his children.

Jonathan and David Carry Out Their Plan

READ 1 Sam 20:18-23.

In order to carry out their plan, we learn of how Jonathan will shoot arrows, and depending on their location, David will then know whether he is safe or whether to flee because Saul wants his life.  In verse 23, Jonathan again reminds David of the covenant and calls YHWH as a witness between the two of them.  Both men have now invoked this covenant and its terms on their friend.  They remind each other that their friendship’s foundation is God’s own kindness to each of them, and that they have bound themselves together to show each other that same kindness.

3.2. 1 Samuel 20:24-34: Setting the Plan into Action

READ 1 Sam 20:24-34.

The dinner for the New Moon festival has come.  David is absent.  Jonathan doesn’t say anything (why use the lie if he doesn’t have to?).  The second day, Saul asks Jonathan about David, knowing how close the two men are.  After Jonathan’s tells the story David told him to tell, Saul goes crazy.  He curses Jonathan, calling him “the son of a perverse and rebellious woman” (verse 30).  He’s basically saying “you son of a bitch…Don’t you know that if you don’t do this, your own kingdom won’t be established?”  Saul forgets though, that in chapter 13, God already told him that his dynasty will never be, and in chapter 15 that in reality Saul has already lost his own kingship.

Jonathan continues standing up for his friend, but if he had any doubt before about his father’s intentions, he can’t anymore.  Saul means to kill David.

3.3.  1 Samuel 20:35-42: What Saul Does

READ 1 Sam 20:35-42.

In this last section, we see Jonathan carrying out his promise, being covenantly faithful to David, and warning him that Saul is seeking his death.

Verses 41-42 show the emotional parting scene between these men who are closer than brothers.  In verse 41, David now shows humility and respect to Jonathan when he bows to the ground three times, thanking him for upholding his end of the covenant.  The men then kiss each other and weep.

Men Kissing as Form of Familiarity

Now, you may be thinking that it’s rather strange for two men to be kissing and weeping over each other.  We certainly wouldn’t see this show of affection between men today, at least not in the U.S., though in other cultures it’s actually common, like in Africa.  But here, it’s rare for guys to talk about their feelings.  A lot prefer to just hang out, drink beer, and watch sports together.  But, in looking through the Bible, and the OT in particular, we find that most instances of kissing actually occurs between men, often in the same family.  It is part of a warm embrace, showing a form of familiarity and intimacy.

Jonathan and David’s Friendship Bonded in Spirit

Ultimately, Jonathan and David as friends are bonded in spirit, they love each other as themselves, and they have sworn covenant loyalty to each other based on God’s unfailing kindness.  Through their covenant, they show us what it means to truly be friends.

Looking back through the story, what characteristics of friendship do you see?  What emotions and actions go along with their friendship?

• Examples: confidants, favor each other, grieved when other wronged, willing to do anything, work together- make plan, show kindness, admit fault-seeks accountability, takes blame, warn of danger, mutual trust in the Lord, promised protection to each other, love as himself, send off in peace when time comes, withstand harm/abuse for friend, defend each other, follow-through on commitments, show emotion)

These are some of the actions/characteristics that the Bible says go along with being a friend.

How does Jonathan and David’s story end then?  

At the end of 1 Samuel, Jonathan and Saul are killed in battle.  But David doesn’t forget his part of the covenant.  In 2 Samuel 9 then 21, we learn that David finds Jonathan’s son, Mephibosheth, bringing him into his house as a son, and David later saves him from being killed when Saul’s other descendants are killed.

4.  Christological Focus- The Role of Friendship in Light of Christ’s Coming

Further, I want to expand the concept of biblical friendships in light of the entire Bible.  Remember that when we read OT stories, we have to reread them in light of how Christ changes, expands, and fulfills the story.

You may be thinking, what does Jesus really have to do with how I make friends?  Did he talk about friendship?  What can he add to the story we’ve just read?

What Jesus Says about Friendship

First, John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”  We saw Jonathan being willing to lay down his life for David.  Saul’s spear almost brought about his early death.

Second, 1 John 3:16 expands the idea of laying down your life for a friend as a form of love, saying “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.”  So Christ actually did lay down his life for us.  He already did it, for you.  He humbled himself to go to death on the cross. 

Ultimately, he gave up everything to show us his love.  We have to recognize the depth of what he did for our life.  Make it personal.  Think about what it means that he hung on the cross for you, he laid down his life for you; he did so to show you what real love is, and he did it because he calls you friend. 

Showing Jesus’ Love to our Friends

Knowing this, motivates us out of love and gratitude to move toward wanting to show this same love to others: to our friends.  In fact, God says that we ought to lay down our life for our friends.  We are called to this sacrificial living as Christians.

• This is the fifth aspect of biblical friendship: laying down your life for your friend.

(Skip to 4.1 The 5 Aspects of Biblical Friendship Summarized)

Practically in our culture, this won’t mean physical death, but it will mean giving up other personal ambitions.  Maybe forfeiting your alone time to meet a friend in crisis, or continuing to listen to her heartache when you wish she would just move on.  It means facing pride in your own heart and being willing to sacrifice it, give it up, being humble.  We have to ask God to help us love our friends in the same way that he has loved us.

4.1 The 5 Aspects of Biblical Friendship Summarized

In summary, I’m making the argument here, that we need friendships in our lives with a biblical foundation: ones that are grounded in God’s kindness and his love.  These friendships are to be the bedrock of how we live and function as Christians. This 1 Samuel 20 commentary has given us some great bible verses about friendship.

I’ll list, in summary, the 5 aspects of biblical friendships for you now.  We’re going to talk about these in our small groups after we talk application, so make note of them somehow:

1. They do have qualities of good friendships that would be considered not specifically Christian.  We must go beyond this to have truly biblical friendships.
2. Our biblical friendships will be bonded through the Holy Spirit.  They must be with another Christian, but it has to go beyond even this.  It has to have the following:
3. We must love the other person as you do yourself. [This goes beyond doing nice things for your friend.  Think of all the things you do for yourself…Do you want to do all this for your friends?]
4. Our friendships are grounded in the LORD’s faithfulness/kindness shown to us.
5. Finally, to truly love a friend as yourself means laying down your life for a friend.

5.  Application- The Role of Intentional Friendships in Your Life

Finally, how do we move to having biblical friendships, then?

Illustration of a Biblical Friendship

I’ll give you my own personal story with beginning to form biblical friendships.  It wasn’t until I was in my mid-20’s, I had just suffered the end of my 4^th long-term relationship with a guy, and I was in counseling, that I first encountered the idea that I needed biblical friendships: and that I didn’t have any. 

My counselor told to me I needed to seek friendship with girls.  I told her I didn’t know any.  Girls didn’t understand me, and I couldn’t connect with them.  She told me to look to my small group to look to women I had met in the church and to reach out to them; to meet for dinner; and to get to know them. 

While these conversations with my counselor were going on, a girl in my small group had offered to meet with me for dinner since she knew I was going through a hard time.  But, I didn’t think she was someone I wanted to hang out with though (I was still pretty prideful in my thoughts- she wasn’t as cute as I would have liked for a friend.)  I politely said, sure, not intending to follow up. 

But then, she said it a second time a few weeks later, and I thought: well, I don’t have any girl friends and here’s a girl actually offering to be my friend, so I finally sucked it up and agreed to meet up.  It ended up being a great experience and the first start for me on the road to having a woman who I could confide in, trust, ask for accountability, and talk about God with.  It was a first step.

Making Biblical Friendships Intentional

Recognize that making biblical friendships is a process, it takes time, you have to be thoughtful and intentional about it.  Throughout the course of my life since then, I have found great strength and encouragement in the Lord through women who have helped me make sense of the world; they speak God’s truth into my life.  They have stood beside me through depression, through more bad relationships, and they have helped me grow.  We all need this.

Seeking biblical friendships with other women is important, and you must take the time to seek them and to invest in the other women, for their sake and for your own.  You have to start small, start where you are, and then grow.  Pray for these types of friends.  Pray to be this type of friend to another woman.  Think about someone in your small group that you can reach out to.

6.  Conclusion: We need biblical friendships

In conclusion, we’ve looked at Jonathan and David’s friendship in 1 Sam 20; we’ve looked at how Jesus expands the notion of biblical friendship.  We’ve talked about five different aspects of biblical friendships.  And we’ve seen that we are bonded, like Jonathan and David, to other believers through his Holy Spirit, which enables us to be these types of friends, who love the other as ourselves and who lay down our lives for the other.  Finally, we’ve seen that we need friendships in our lives with these biblical foundations.

Discussion Questions

1. Are your current friendships biblical?  What keeps you from having this type of friendship?  How can you move to develop biblical friendships?
2. What aspect of biblical friendship do you struggle with in your friendships?  How can you grow in this area?

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Resources Used

For your reference, I used the following resources in the development of this meditation:

• The Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew and English Lexicon
• Biblia Hebraica Stuttgartensia (Hebrew Edition)
• 1 Samuel-2 Kings (The Expositor’s Bible Commentary)
• Dictionary of Biblical Imagery
• 1 & 2 Samuel: Bible Commentary (Smyth & Helwys Bible Commentary)
• 1 & 2 Samuel (NIV Application Commentary)
• Cross Talk: Where Life and Scripture Meet