Sleeplessness Scares Me Again

Anxiety and sleeplessness: I have them both. The anxiety gets overlooked during the day, fired up at bedtime, and leaves me sleepless in the night.

I can probably count at least 5-6 nights in the last month alone that I’ve had trouble getting to sleep.  Each night, thoughts begin racing through my head the moment I turn out the light.  I’m planning, making lists, rehearsing conversations, and thinking about how I’ll react.  My eyes and body ache.  My heart aches.

This is a familiar place for me, although it’s been years since I’ve experienced it. Three years ago, I had insomnia that led to depression that created a sleep phobia.  I was literally afraid to go to bed, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to turn off the thoughts in my head.  I knew that as the night wore on, so would my desperation.  Maybe a pillow over my mouth will help me pass out.  Then I can sleep.  Maybe I’ll just hit myself on the head with a hammer: knock myself out.  Then I can sleep.  This is why I was terrified of going to bed.  The thoughts that were never meant to be my own, became my twisted bedtime reality.

So as I struggle again, the old fears come.  I haven’t had the desperate thoughts (yet).  But I’m afraid.  I’m afraid to sleep, afraid of lying there minute after minute, hour after hour. My soul can’t take the anguish.

So I pray.  I plead. I try and turn my burdens to God.  I ask for help.  I know I have no reason to fear.  I know that I have no reason to worry.  He will provide.  He will take care of tomorrow.  I’ve seen him do it.  I trust him.  I have faith.

And yet, when I turn out the light, I can only take 30-40 minutes before I know I won’t get to sleep.  I have to get up.  I have to distract myself.  I’m not being productive in those hours.  I’m not getting rid of the anxiety…  I need to address the anxiety.  But I’m getting out of the bed, out of the place that really scares me.

I wait.  I turn to God. I pray.  I trust.  I know he’s there.  But still I can’t sleep.  I hope to be able to soon.  I hope to learn again how to rest secure in his love, his goodness, his gracious control.  He’s waiting for me to get there.  I’ll get there.  But not tonight. Hopefully soon.

⁵ Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
⁸ Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.  –Psalm 62:5-8

Do you have anxieties and fears that keep you up at night?  What do you turn to in those moments?  How has God met you there?

–This post was written in 2011.

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